Since then I have completed about a third of the requirements and have become comfortable in my role as a grad student. But there has always been a little monster following me. This is because the graduation requirements rubric I am following has two sections. The first section is "complete as soon as you are accepted." The second part is "complete after taking a high stakes test (which will remain unnamed)."

The unnamed high-stakes test is a test which evaluates whether or not you are proficient at some basic skills required for teaching. There are a few sections: reading, math(s), writing and pain tolerance. Since my whole grad career in my opinion has been based on faking it, this is very scary for me. Can I fake my way through the unnamed high stakes test?

As of this spring, I had run out of "take whenever classes" and this summer is the time to tackle this little monster (I want to say devil, but I am afraid that may be giving the devil too much credit). To anyone who might be taking my blogging course the aforementioned section is background information. Now we are moving on to personal narrative (please see page 12 in your companion notebook).

So about a month ago I signed up for the test. A very friendly Indian gentleman at a call center took some very personal information from me, as well as a couple hundred bucks and in exchange he gave me a confirmation number, test date and higher blood pressure. The day of the test was June 29th (see: today).

A couple of weeks passed. I kept reminding myself to buy a book on the unnamed high-stakes test. I also kept reminding myself I would rather spend money on other things. But I checked the library and sure enough the had a few test guides. So last Wednesday I checked a book out. I have no problems at this point. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday are to prepare for this beauty.

Thursday came, and went. I spent that evening decorating a church for a wedding. Friday came...and went. That night was spent rehearsing and engaging in rehearsive dining. Then at 9:30 Friday night my impulsive friend Jed called telling me he would arrive at my house around 11 that night. Around 3 AM slumber arrived, starting off Saturday with a study-less bang.

Funny thing about weddings-- they seem to usually be on Saturdays. So that day was spent in wedding splendor. Then Sunday came. This is where I have to do some confessing. My friend Derry calls it being a "burster". Long story short, the last paragraph and the beginning of this on are simply excuses for my sickness. I am a terrible procrastinator. So much like how procrastinators do, I began to review materials for this important test 12 hours prior to my taking it.

The reading was pretty simple and the math was a breeze. Oh but the writing section.... You've read this blog. You know how inept I am in this area. The writing was pure torture. I was going through the sample questions, and missing about a third of them. And I could feel my brain starting to pulsate, but also quiver. This was bad.

My wife was very supportive of me. So much so that she went a got my favorite pizza from the take and bake pizza place in town. They are good people so heres a plug for Cristano's Pizza. Their Alfredo Pizza is hot. So much so I ate about half a pizza last night (I swear this is relevant). So pizzaa, a few hours of cramming and a call to Jennifer, my English Teacher friend, were the remedy for the "can't write blue". I don't know how successful this was, but I do know that I went to bed at midnight last night.

Pretty much every test takers tips pamphlet has two common bits of wisdom. The first is eat a healthy breakfast before taking the test. The second is get a good night's sleep. Do you remember earlier in this blog, when I said I went to bed at midnight...well thats pretty late when the test starts at 7:30, and it is a 45 minute drive away.

There's a funny thing about stress and test anxiety. It seems it makes me into an insomniac. I don't think I am alone on this, but just because other people have a hard time sleeping when stressed doesn't make my poor night's stress-laden sleep any more restful. I think I fell asleep around 1 AM and then woke up at 3. Thats when I started playing the "if I fall asleep this minute, I can still get x minus alarm set time hours of sleep" game. I think I fell asleep again around four. Between 4:00 and 6:00 I had some light sleep full of dreams. I don't remember all the dreams, but I was definitely not playing soccer, but wearing a Everton soccer kit (that bit was included for my European friends).

I have a theory about being up in the middle of the night. My theory is whatever amount of time you are awake, you subtract from the time you slept. So, 6 AM waking time - 1 AM fall alseep time - 1 hour awake time - 1 hour of "Kratzer awake in the night theory" correction.... that means I got about 3 hours of sleep.

Needless to say I was tired. I listened to New Found Glory and Spill Canvas to stay awake on the drive in. I also brewed some espresso (on my stove-top espresso maker I got from my friend the Chap) at home for the staying awake. Caffeine is a good solution, and for me it last about 4 hours. Remember this. It will come up again later.

I need to rewind a bit here. When I get anxious about something, I obsess about it and talk about it to everyone. I inherited this from my mom. So as I spoke with all my educator friends they all told me "I didn't even study for it-- it's a breeze." I know they were trying to be kind and encouraging, but my psychosis translated this as "Dude, if you don't pass this, you're gonna look pretty dumb."

I arrived at the testing center no problem-- thanks to my Droid Incredible and its awesome built in navigation. Google is awesome and on phones is no exception. Google even provides you, my readers, with ads that might interest you on the side of my blog (wink). Maybe I will do a blog someday on my love for Android. Moving on....

Upon arrival at the test center I was pretty nervous. I went in and there was one other guy in the waiting area. I could tell he was pretty stress by the look on his face. He was signing in on a clipboard near a door. I walked up behind him to sign in next. He turned to me and said "Hey, don't knock on that door or else someone will f%^&ng come out here and scream at you." He was speaking from experience. It's weird, but in a way that is one of the most comforting things anyone has ever told me. It allowed me to realize that I'm not crazy and this is a stressful thing. After meeting the proctors for the test, I am fairly certain they didn't scream at anyone. They were very kind. Stress can definitely get the best of any of us.

So it was test time. There's no faking the unnmake high-stakes test (or UHST for short). They make you take an oath that you won't cheat and if you do they vow to send to you Guantanamo Bay. They also strip search you and require 10 forms of ID. Please understand that I exaggerate for humor in my blog sometimes. This is not an instance of such humorous exaggeration.

The examiners seat me at computer 13. Lucky number 13. Just the morale boost I needed. After a tutorial on how computers are built, why they are important, and a seminar to teaching Amish how to become Microsoft certified webmasters, the test begins.

I start the reading section. It's a little difficult, but not horrible. Its enough to tire my brain (which is running in overdrive on caffeine and gummy vitamins at this point). I get about halfway through the first test when I begin to dread eating half a pizza last night, and drinking a pot of espresso this morning. There are no breaks until after the math test (the Amish webmaster's materials told me this). This was another hour and a half out. So I struggled through the reading and moved on to the math. Another measure to ensure national security and no cheating is using the already-made scratch paper tablets. Seriously, you have to take the test in your underwear, and hold your 10 forms of ID in your teeth while you test--it's that secure.

I was sort of confident in my reading score and pretty comfortable with my math. I was very confident that I had to poop and pee. It was a much-appreciated break.

Remember how I wrote about how caffeine helps me for four hours. I drank the coffee at 7:00. It was now 11. Yeah, I know. I can do math too. And remember how the other parts of the test were hard enough to drain my brain. Oh and lastly, remember how the writing part was my weak link. It was a bad combination. I don't think I can really give any specifics about the test out, as a part of my oath. But there is an essay. I don't remember my essay question, but I do remember answering it, poorly.

The last thing that happens is you do a survey on how secure you felt and whether or not the vinyl seats stuck to your bare legs. Then you get your scores for the parts which can be computer graded. The math I aced. The reading I did well on, and passed easily. The writing has to be hand graded. So now I get to wait for two weeks wondering if I get to retake the writing section of this test-- the part I struggle with, took devoid of caffeine and sleep deprived.

When I got home today I looked up "how many questions can you miss on the writing part of the UHST?" One guy on a answer website said "I took a practice test and got 50 percent of the answers right. I think that is passing according to the key codes." Man I hope he is right.

And for the record, my experience with UHST was very professional and as enjoyable as that kind of situation can be.